Today is Not A Good Day

Waiting is really not my strong suit.

Nor is shutting up when I’m excited about something.

Nor is letting things go.

All of those get me into trouble sometimes.

I’m not at all violent, but I’m emotionally intense, and I know I can scare people.

I find it very hard not express or share thoughts that I feel are important or pressing.

Today…

I hate myself for those flaws.

I know, I know. I’m not supposed to hate myself.

I try not to.

I really try.

Like I said in my book, it’s a long-term project.

There are good days and bad days.

Today is not a good day.

Stupid Chip. Fucking idiot.

Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear it.

Come the fuck on. How is this going to sound?

Even this internal monologue is some stupid shit to say to myself, let alone post publicly.

I know how it could sound.

And yet.

It’s honest. And isn’t that what I’ve been going for this whole time?

So, here we are.

Even though posting this is going to make certain people think I’m crazy.

Fuck. Don’t they already think that?

And aren’t they right?

Yeah. Probably.

Not that I’ll ever know for sure.

Which makes this whole thing even worse.

Today fucking sucks.

You know what’s really crazy?

I’m not at all religious, but today…today I still feel like praying.

Desperation? Role-playing? Envy? Loneliness? I don’t know.

I mean, it’s not like I think there’s actually a God listening.

(Then again, this isn’t for Him anyway. So, fuck it, I suppose.)

Well, whoever is listening (probably nobody), here it is anyway,

A one-line plea, into the void of apparent madness:

Please…don’t leave me like this forever.

Today is not a good day.