Transitions Are Hard
It’s hard to get in the headspace to sleep tonight. I have an early-morning bus to New York tomorrow, to see another show. Jordan Klepper new-material standup tonight!
It’s also hard to feel tired when my brain is going in circles over certain transitions in my life. Things that are changing in ways that I don’t wholly know what to do with.
First, I just found out I didn’t make the roster for my frisbee team this year. I still might end up practicing with the team this summer, which would be nice in terms of getting in some physical activity and socializing. I hope that gets to happen. I’m friends with most of those guys, but it’s really hard to get to see everyone without the organized occasion of regular frisbee. Still, it’s pretty damn hard to know what to make of the fact that I’m so clearly into the tail-end of my frisbee career. I kind of figured there would always be frisbee to come back to, and that, even if my role got smaller and smaller over time, I’d always have a team, and there’d always be games to go to. That appears not to be the case anymore. Not that I can really blame the captains; I’m older and slower and squishier than I used to be. I am, like the wily Jigglypuff, a bit round and floofy. But still; it’s a weird transition. At least I’ll still have summer-league, which will be nice to help ease that particular change.
Second, I’m feeling a little down about my whole endeavor to try to get a mental health professional to help me check my story. After a lot of meetings, I had found two people who were willing, in theory, to give it a shot. One of them has now gone silent, which isn’t a great sign. And the other, after meeting with my existing therapist, went on to check with her supervisor and after that discussion declined the request. So, yeah. That doesn’t put me in a great space mentally, and I may have to get used to the idea that I’ll never, in the end, find anyone who’s willing (or permitted) to help me actually check.
Third, a month has gone by now since the deadline I thought we’d set, and still nothing has happened. I dropped off my book with Daily Show security a few weeks ago now, and I’ve received no response. So. It might be time to start changing my mind about the whole damned thing. Not sure what to make of that. Disconfirmed expectancy and failed prophecy. You know how it goes, at this point.
Fourth, I got the bodycam footage from my interaction with the cops outside CBS a couple years ago. The footage doesn’t show everything I remember saying at CBS that morning, so either: a) I invented some of the most important things after-the-fact, or b) I said some of those things to one of the CBS employees who spoke with me that morning (whether to security or to the media-side staffer whom they sent out to talk with me). I’m not sure how to adjust to this revelation emotionally, or how I should change the story that I tell of that day (if at all), to be respectful both of the honest record that shows up in the video and of the memory/story I’ve been telling over time. There are certain aspects of the conversation that morning that I vividly remember saying or doing, which my medical records indicate I was quite sure of a few weeks later. And yet they don’t appear in the video. So, what do I make of that? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to need to see CBS’ security tapes at some point, if I want to know the full story.
On the bright side, the video shows that I was indeed behaving reasonably, rather than dangerously, and that I was not being threatening or unruly (at least not when the cops showed up). I was coherent, rational, and articulate. And the cops really, truly did find me funny at multiple moments in our conversation, and they sent me on my way with directions toward NBC. So that’s reassuring, at least.
(Note: I was definitely an idiot in pulling out my phone, and I didn’t move slowly and deliberately in the way that I initially recounted when trying to tell the story in my book…still, they laughed at my joke and clearly didn’t find me threatening.)
I don’t know that I have any sort of clear landing point for this post. Not that I usually do with my blog. But I’m looking forward to another fun night tomorrow.
